Eclipsed

I’ve officially been eclipsed. You’ve heard it here first, folks.

This morning (EDT) we had that big deal of a lunar eclipse occurring at nearly 5 degrees Capricorn. The big deal is that Pluto right now is at 4 degrees Capricorn; so the energies are fused together. This would be big enough news in and of itself but we also have Uranus at 0 Aries, Jupiter at 2 Aries and Saturn at 28 Virgo. And because it’s a lunar eclipse this means the Sun is opposite the Moon, at 4 degrees Cancer (and Mercury at 2 Cancer conjunct the Sun, to boot!). This forms what astrologers call a Grand Cardinal Cross (even though Saturn is technically in a Mutable sign, not Cardinal; we’ll let this one slide, astrologers). A configuration like this hasn’t happened in hundreds of years and never has it occurred exactly like this. You can say this is sort of a big deal.

So, I’ve been eclipsed. It’s true! Eclipsed how? By my powerful emotions, by my resurrected feelings, by long lost memories brought to light. It seems something very necessary happened today. Something significant that needed to happen so that I can be done with it, to truly move on and grow.

I’ve just stopped crying, finally. I could not shut that faucet off no matter how hard I tried. It was a purging cry, though; a very much needed one. In fact if I had thought about it, it’s something one could expect on a day when Pluto (Power) and the Moon (Emotions) are conjunct and sitting on your natal IC (psychological foundation/roots). Yep. That’s what happened to me today. From the depths, these emotions poured.

Sure, I knew this day was coming. The eclipse occurred in my 3rd house (communication) technically but on the IC so I knew it would affect my 4th house (home, roots) in some way, too.  But with all the other things simultaneously happening; this Grand Cross affecting my natal IC/MC, and Asc./Desc. axis too, and the Moon with Pluto squaring my natal Moon (and setting off my natal Moon opposition with both Jupiter and Uranus), there  just was no way to synthesize it all nor predict what was to occur. No one could. And I asked around, believe me.

What set off the buckets of tears was completely unexpected–out of the blue.  With events such as these astrologers can, and do point to Uranus and blame him (as it’s part of that Grand Cross configuration). As much as I love astrology, I can’t blame a  planet, and especially not Uranus. Anyway, I have much appreciation and gratitude really, for what happened today, as painful as it was.

So, what happened today? What possibly could have stirred up this emotional overflow?

Well, for the past several days I’ve been feeling very creative and so, I kept meaning to dig my art supplies out from the basement where they’re stored. But I just never did.

image by Horia Varian

Today was the day I finally felt motivated to go down there. I grabbed a few things, not everything and brought them up and laid them out on my bed. There was a tracing pad amongst everything and I opened it to find old sketches I had done from the last time I painted, which was probably eleven years ago now, sadly (I have drawn in the last decade, done collages, too, but just never set paintbrush to canvas).

It was amazing to me to see what I was sketching. Faeries. Funny, especially since I took a class on angels just a few days ago (which I will be writing about here soon).

Anyway, that is not what sparked my tears. I flipped over a page to find printed out emails stored there; only a few. They were from 1999. And they were from my old boyfriend; but not just any old boyfriend. These were written by the one I never got over, but just sort of moved on from. I had situational depression for a long while after the breakup, while trying to remain friends with him. Then, when even the friendship was over, not being able to shake off the depression, I met and married (then divorced) a guy who wasn’t right for me (the understatement of the century). Go figure.

image by IOHK

So, today was huge for me. To find his emails. To find emails I didn’t even know I had kept (and that had survived my marriage without a jealous husband finding them and shredding them). Quite remarkable.

And to find emails with such kind words he had written about me. And to read his other words, about how he’s looking forward to a long fruitful friendship with me because we have a lot in common and a lot we can share with each other…that there are things he tells me he tells almost no one else..etc., etc.. Wow. How heart-wrenching. We were best friends back then. So, very painful to read even all these years later because we didn’t even remain friends (maybe only for little more than a year after that email was written). I guess we couldn’t stay friends or we would have.

And to realize that I’m still heart broken over this so many years later. It was all just buried so deeply but still very much alive. Thanks to the eclipse I get to see it, feel it completely, resolve it and move on.

At least reading this particular email finally made me realize that there could never have been more. We couldn’t have ended up together for real; that entertaining the idea back then only served to torture me further (thinking of what could have been, which really never could have been).

Interesting too, that I thought of him a few days ago when thinking of how important daily routine/ritual is for me. He was the one who introduced me to the Enneagram. His mom was a spiritual therapist who used it in her practice. And he told me many times that as an Enneatype 4 routine is essential for me. I always remembered that–didn’t always follow it, but did remember that he told me that.

So, that’s my ecliptic day in a nutshell. The eclipse occurred in my 3rd house and I discovered emails (related to 3rd house/communication) which affected me emotionally (Moon/lunar eclipse) and deeply, too (Pluto/IC).

I have a feeling things start getting better from this point onward.

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